Words straight from the heart .....
For years upon end .. I’ve cared too much about what people said, how they felt and what they believed.
Till the day came when I realized that typing hundreds of words , venting out emotions and then reading them over again and feeling that maybe “I’ve gone too far” ,thus carrying on with erasing every single word that I meant from the bottom of my heart and soul ,and replacing it with a tiny smile “ :)” …was simply wrong!
Then the shock came !
Another day ... The setting’s changed … maybe now it’s day or maybe it's night! perhaps windy and let’s add a little garden and a river to the scene …make it more like what it seems .
It finally occured to me that people really don’t care .. and all the sad faces ,words of condolence and emoticons they send are nothing but a show of momentary sympathy ..one that lasts for a minute or two before they move on to open up another conversation with another person , gossiping and laughing like nothing ever happened .
NOTE: people really hate to talk to those who make them feel sad !! *another thing that I had to learn the hard way this year *.
Here I came to the realization : Maybe people shouldn’t know about your sadness or happiness or any form of extreme emotions that you might be going through , because otherwise you are more than welcoming them to disrespect your situation and where you stand in YOUR own life !
I didn’t wake up one day to suddenly find that the world has changed … No! I woke up and slept every single day and night to a new, more dramatic and modern warfare . One that involved abuse of one’s privacy and style of living , one that only started fire but was never able to extinguish it , one that spread hate and fear while killing any signs of its antonyms.
We are not victims and we never were ,we brought upon ourselves misery and nothing but an excess of it !
I learnt that when life is taking one huge turn right around the corner, it doesn’t wait for you to throw your soul at the brake pedals and play with your steering wheel …NO!It throws you and your useless means of living onto the edge ,and like any car accident : the air bag may or may not save you !
Then whatever the result is , no one is going to help you put the pieces of your life together … they’re just going to stare and clap and serenade you with quotes of wisdom that they have no idea how to imply under the shameful category of : EMOTIONAL SUPPORT!
Pause!!! Take a breath and get your lungs punched till the last atom of air inside has melted !
Then, I woke up on one of 2011's beautiful days to find that every relationship of mine was ruined somehow… and in such a case you have to start getting up on your feet , you have to grow stronger ! simply due to an inner ,nagging feeling of you being the "road" that everyone steps on to get somewhere although you never change and like a good ol’ road, you stay there till the end of the storm !
I didn’t just fall into this world …NO SIR !
I was born to leave behind something or the other ... people die young and on the streets , but in my 15 years of living I consider myself capable of leaving behind something! and from there, I believe that you have no right to disrespect me or show any type discrimination against me , my religion, my looks , my personality and my country !
I have no clue why I’m writing all of this , but I learnt that I shouldn’t be afraid to speak my mind..shout out my thoughts : LOUD AND CLEAR! And I really don’t have it in my heart to erase any line of what I’ve written … whoever’s reading this will probably choose the lines which best suits his life .
We’re all guilty and I have caught myself more than once red-handed , violating my own rules and giving up on my own principles … crossing the limitations that I have drawn and going into a “danger” zone that I ,myself labeled , but 2011 is that one year which draws the deepest and scariest of feelings that you never knew had possessed .
It was a year of conflict and here onwards there is but a little chance of solution in the face of mountains of doubt and uncertainty . I am not a pessimist , I’m just a person who’s best year was probably not 2011 .
I was born to live the life that I’m living and I know that there is a clear probability that my words are too harsh or a little too direct , and maybe the new year should have something more cheerful dedicated to it , but my tongue was tied in knots for way too long and these words can either be spoken now or never .
With my mind no longer able to connect to the cause , I run out of words to say and storms to brain ..as silly as that may sound, it actually makes perfect sense to me.
Happy New year dear and May god bless you with better days !
FARAH KHALIL
